Stability, where fore art though?

*Sigh*

So much time has passed since my last entry.. I believe 4 weeks.

Shortly after my last entry my First Lady told me she would be willing to try and accept lady A into our life in a limited capacity.

Much talking ensued between myself and my First Lady. Similarly, lady A and I spoke about what this meant.

Both ladies regularly needed much reassurance as emotions have been strong and as fluid as a sea.. Ab often turbulent and stormy one.

We have since enjoyed two weekends together. 

So many things have happened and past. I always knew I would have to tackle writing another entry but managing both their needs, my own and attempting to plot a route for us all, along with managing my new job role, I put writing aside. 

When I wrote that I was in a tub set by my First Lady as her and lady A prepared my supper and all manner of treats to aide me relax. 

Having been looking after them for a few weeks the responsibility was taking its toll. With me in mind they decided to look after me and give me the evening to recoup. 

It was splendid. 

That was two weeks ago now.. I have so much to write, but things are a lot more settled now after our candid talks. We all now know where we are and what we are. 

Stability, thank you for again visiting me for the most part..

Sleepless nights pt2.

Oh the joy of a sleepless night.

You get time to reconsider everything you went to bed happy to get a break from. 

You get to enjoy feeling the tiredness build in your eyes that grow heavy but never stay shut.

You are alone and without distraction so you get to fully appreciate your negative emotions. The longing and the regret. The dull constant ache of missing your counterpart which represents pure unadulterated pleasure in every aspect of your life. You get to take a long and serene dip in the pool of misery.

Lady A.. It is so hard not to tell her to come to me. To not drive to her. To not call her just to hear her voice, see her face.

Pictures of her I look at daily. Her smile leaves me mesmerised.

She is utterly divine..

And so I’ll enjoy this stint of insomnia..or at least try to make peace with it…

Goodnight. 

Silence

Lady A and I have parted. 

With no end date in site I felt too stricken with remorse for her situation to ask her to wait. 

We are now no more (essentially) and so we are no longer in communicado.. Which includes her blog entries..

They were so fundemental. Yes they were for her to learn more about herself, chronically her feelings and thoughts for her reference and for me to help guide.. But they were so much more than that for me. They were insight into her mind and heart. They offered a constant connection. I could learn her and consider her present self at any time. 

I read and reread every post of hers. Deliberating over the contents. Drawing insight and comfort from them. I get more from her than i believe she realises.

Now there are no more.. It is very evident to me just how much that truly was. It is as though I am in the chasm of space. No end in sight. No time to enjoy her company in sight. No idea when I will get to guide her in her life. No chance to impart wisdom. No idea what ailes her and no opportunity to hold her hand and lead her through it. 

I have silence.. By choice.. So I cannot even complain. I can only exist.

Sleepless nights

Tonight I am awake and I have been for nearly an hour.. 

I am utterly in need of her.

My body remembers her presence and screams out for her.. Rolling over in a sleepy stupor, I reach out for her. My hand full of her sex she is already wet, soaked in an instant. I feel her longing stare. Her body is utterly receptive of me as I am utterly in need of her.

She invites me to my home. Where I lose myself in her love and caress. Where my energies are spent marvelling at our closeness, the synchronicity of our needs. My kind doesn’t think, I give her what she needs. I feel every twitch of her muscles. My desire to savour her and to give her every thrill she desires. Tired or not we have no limits. When we are spent we collapse a hot steam mess of limbs, a steaming pile of raw sex and appendages.. And we sleep.. For another two hours until our need for one another again wakes us..

Tonight I could not satisfy myself.. My body cries out for her. I have no release and I prefer it this way. I deserve an demand passion. Without it I may aswell lay here.

I need and desire her.. My pet and pride.. Lady A

How!?

This was written a few days ago..
Having just read lady A’s last post I am again perplexed beyond belief.. No, rather I am reassured of our divine connection and of its strength. 

Not only is it describing all I feel in the general sense, the emotions, the urges, the understanding (not that she is perfectly right in all her assumptions).. But at her specific references. 

She refers to three films. I have never spoke to her about any of them. However, Wednesday night I mentioned to my First Lady points relating to the the first film.

The next day or so after I mentioned film number two.

That night I dreamt I was in film number three’s ‘world’.

Seeing that immediately cast my mind to the Japanese belief in true loves red string of fate… And I am not a believer of fate!.. But really I am left feeling utterly perplexed..How could this be!?!

Failure

I feel like a failure. For the minimum of her needs, knowing her true value, knowing I can not give her what she deserves, unable to give her a timeframe for how long if ever my First Lady would need to come around.. I’ve let lady A down and have had to let her go.

Being the daddy to two ladies isn’t the issue. Mistaking where my First Lady was in our relationship and puttin her in a place where she would be uncomfortable. Including another in the fold without a proper base.. Those are my sins.

I planned to build up my First Lady to a place where she would accept lady A. I can’t see me letting to of such desires but to hold lady A in limbo and know how it affects her? I couldn’t bare the grief it caused her and in turn me.

So no lady A. And no visible signs of my mourning can I show for it would be counter productive.

I am just exhausted by it all already and it is only the second day.

To love and never have again.. If only my lady would uderstand that I feel that way for her too. If only she could see what lady A and I could. A large family comprising the three of us and our children..

Being a daddy means being selfless. Only of late have I had glimpse into how muh work my First Lady needs invested in her, from the ground up. I have been her daddy or at least workin towards it for many many years. As a daddy you feel your lg’s pabgs of floating as though they are your own. They are magnified when you are the cause.. It isn’t a choice to push for her well being. I just do. I naturally put her needs first.

As it stands her needs if for all my attention. I keep envisioning a time where she accepts lady A. My lady surprises me with her presence at my home or another location because she truly wants me to be happy and knows that lady A is also instrumental in that. I think at that moment I would be happier than I ever have been or can imagine. But for now I have to work towards what she needs without any desire for what I would want. 

Seeing lady A everywhere in my mind does not help. I still yearn for her. It does not help. Time doesn’t fade all memories.. But persistently focusing on my ladies happiness never changes either.. I cannot be 100% without either ladies. I simply cannot see it..

Therefore, in making myself happy, I am a failure.

 O.

Focus and my epitaph

A Dom, a daddy, a lover, a carer, a man.

I have made a commitment. I stay commited. 

My titles mean I must do as a I say. Selflessness is the face of it all. Disengenuous behaviour not permitted. 

Remember why you made plans and how sure you were then. Don’t trust the fickleness of the heart or mind. 

Do it with certainty. 

The only way to have it all is to mean what you do. 

Push yourself or others and they will push for you. 

Selflessness and determination. The qualities I want as my epitaph so let me live by them. 

Inner energies 

I am running low. My passion and desire are not present. They are out, searching. They require her. 

Lady A has to be a part of my life. I’ve decided. I can’t do without her. 

My mind is not here. It is with her. My body isn’t functioning as I would like. 

I have my First Lady but I need them both. Being like this is self sabotaging. I can’t give her everything when everything is not with(in) me. I am distracted. She deserves my everything really she’s does, but now I require them both to be happy and to be able to give my all. 

I am not one to not do as I like. I’ve been married before. I was 21. No one approved. I got married anyway. I am headstrong and I can operate without the need for feedback.. But I have been working at self control, discipline.  To do nothing is taking all of my accrued skill.

This is draining me. I am losing ability go to focus on my most basic of skills, planning. I  finding it difficult to focus on the now, I am looking too much to the forward, the coming. 

Is it just nerves? It is not. The fire in my dantien is low. My qi/chi is weak..

I’ve been awake since 4 but I only went to bed at 0030. I need lady A. She’s already such a defacto factor for my life. How much longer do I wait?

Only this far in..

It is very early on the Sunday morning. No doubt the Mayweather v Pacqiou fight has ended. I have been looking forward to that fight for over years. I’ve been following Mayweather for at least four and this fight was the reason..

I did not watch the fight live as you would expect. Here is why…

All week I have been thinking of my ladies. Been supporting them daily, at work, after work, until 1am on the phone to lady A, calming her spirit has no wrong time. Ofcourse I have also been working in the evenings so my time was full. By Wedneday I had a headache which only stopped yesterday (Saturday). 

On Friday morning lady A sent me an email. She wishes to allow me time with my First Lady as they had promised and she would like to give ne the opportunity to do so without her being ‘in the way’ as she puts it. That is her mistake. She could never and will never be ‘in the way’, but her thoughts are likely also of self-preservation. She is in a difficult place. She is waiting her opportunity to be with daddy (having agreed to not see me in my First Lady was comfortable with it). She know I plan to propose shortly. She has her mind which plays tricks on her continuously (hence my constant contact spent reminding her of her actual and real value and of the realities of our situation, as best I could).  

For the remainder of Friday my mind was frazzled. Exhausted. I am grateful for her considerations. It makes all my hard work worthwhile. But when I have to work at respecting her need for solidarity via solitude it becomes extremely trying to give her what she needs. I am a carer and a guider. I am now to show I care by not guiding her daily any more. 

I wonder if she realizes that I need her as much as she needs me? What is a daddy with out a little girl? What is a dom without his submissive? Does she know that I truly value her? She ought to as that is what my messaage to her boils down to daily. But those demons in her mind distract and so I am concerned for her. 

More than that though, I long for her. My Friday evening and my Saturday were spent wih my First Lady. I enjoy her company but I cannot stop remembering lady A, seeing constant reminders of her.i see her in my First Lady as they can be so familiar. I see her in my First Lady when she does things lady A would never do, say or think. I constantly remember her much I love her and am in need of her.

Alas, there is a reason for this. I look at my First Lady and I see her for who and what she is. My soon to be wife. I love and cherish her. I cannot imagine my life without her being a part of it. She will provide me with children and we will face life’s challenges tofether.. But I cannot see that without lady A. I long for her. 

I found myself this morning thinking of her, hearing her voice. Before I knew it the corners of my mouth had peaked. I was revelling in just the memory of her. I could hear her voice, the nuances in her tone. Her perfect pronunciation, her waiting up accent. Her smile was hypnotic. Her eyes glistened and she carried herself with a grace and air that only she had. I saw her for that instant and I was happy. 

I have those moments often but most times I do not smile. No happiness is experienced, only the longing. Just for the simple things. With my short time with her I gleaned so many details about her. I studied her and I can recall them from rote..

I do bit smile because one thing overshadows the happiness she brings me and it’s the desire for her once more. 

Now she is not here I am left only with the longing..